Yesterday, while driving aimlessly through Knoxville, I came across a large billboard.

According to the billboard, I must have missed my turn.

For who could miss the all caps advertisement shouting down at the highway the wonders of this adult establishment?  On closer inspection, the sign shows a terrific assortment of merchandise.  In case it is too small to read on your tiny phone screen, it says, “Novelties, Tobacco Acc., Lingerie, Plus Size Lingerie, E-Cigs, Menswear.”

Well, novelties (I’m guessing they don’t mean trick gum and hand buzzers) and the always exciting plus size lingerie imply sex.  I assume the Tobacco Acc. refers to the sort of pipes seen in Greenwich Village shops “for tobacco use only,” wink, wink.  So we have drug paraphernalia to go along with any upcoming escapades.

But then, everything shifts dramatically.  An enterprising manager decides to branch out.  Hmmmm, sex… drugs…  what more could we offer at Fantasy World alongside these exciting prospects?  I’ve got it!  How about an ascot or a nice pair of work boots?  What man or woman, when shopping for a glass bong (for tobacco use only) wouldn’t make a spontaneous purchase of cufflinks at the register?  From there, menswear was assured to be broadcast from the reddest billboard in town.

As my wardrobe from Manhattan has worn a bit thin, it may be time for me to buy some new clothes in the South.  I could use a new suit, you know, an adult one for interviews and such, and I may need a tie to match.  Sorry Brooks Brothers, but as everyone knows, the best way to be welcomed into a new city is to support the local merchants.